When All Your Friends Are Getting Married
“EVERYONE is getting married!” she said with a bit of annoyance in her tone.
“Really, tho?” I responded.
“Yeah, I mean at least everyone around me is dating, engaged, or married… I think it’s just me and two of my other girlfriends who are still single in my friend group.”
This wasn’t the first time I sat with a friend over coffee as she voiced her concern and fear that she might actually remain single for the rest of her life while she continues to receive invitations to someone else’s wedding. Everyone reaches that age when their friends start to settle down, get married and maybe even have kids. It’s a normal part of life but for someone who lacks a plus one, it can be a bit much to process when it feels like everyone else but you is getting married.
I remember the mixed emotions I was faced with when a hand full of my friends all decided to get married within one summer. There was this wonderful excitement I felt because I had the privilege to celebrate a really special time in my friend’s life, I was genuinely happy for them. Also, who doesn’t love a good wedding? The food, an excuse to get dressed up, the dancing, the fellowship, God being honored and glorified through it… I love weddings! Yet, I can’t deny that there were times where the joy was also paired with some grief. I had to come to terms with the fact that my friends were no longer single and our hang outs wouldn’t look exactly the same. I also had to learn how to juggle all the showers, bachelorettes, weddings, and questions that people often prodded with like, “When will you be next?” If I wasn’t intentional at times I could easily find myself lonely, confused, or discouraged. So with everyone coming out of COVID and experiencing what Fortune and The New York Times is calling the “Wedding Boom of 2021” I thought I’d share with my fellow single friends some pointers I’ve learned to put into practice over the years…
BE INTENTIONAL WITH YOUR THOUGHT LIFE
Whether it’s wedding season or not, be prepared to practice self-control when it comes to your thought life. I don’t know about you but in today’s world it can be pretty easy to be self-absorbed without realizing it. When everyone is uploading what they had for brunch, their #OOTD, and the sandy beach they just visited on vacation— The temptation is right in front of us to desire and lust after what we don’t have (aka coveting). When we begin to compare what God has given to others and not to us, our joy is going to get robbed from us as we break one of the 10 commandments. Even Olivia Rodrigo in her song “Jealousy, Jealousy” knows that comparison leads to no where good. You in fact, have a choice on what to dwell upon and what type of fruit you want to produce. If we aren’t intentional to refuse to covet in this season we will see the rotten fruit of bitterness, worry, unthankfulness, hopelessness and other rotten fruits come from our lives and impact the lives around us.
Yes, your thought life will eventually impact the lives around you whether you realize it or not. Often, we can respond poorly by spewing the rotten fruit we haven’t dealt with God on those around us, or by texting and hanging out with an ex or someone that is actually drawing us away from Christ rather than pulling us closer to Him, or by isolating to sulk in our feelings, or by throwing ourselves into busyness to avoid dealing with the emotions you might be pushing down. Fight to stay surrounded in a community of all ages. Be consistent to meet with a Godly mentor you can be open with as you process how you are doing. Allow them to ask you reflective questions and answer them honestly so that they can point you to Christ rightly.
Look to Christ
When you feel like you’re lacking something or that you’ve been overlooked or forgotten, choose to remind yourself who God is. Don’t be led by your emotions but lead your emotions to respond to the truth of God’s characteristics and all His benefits. Instead of dwelling on what you don’t have, look to all that you have in Christ. God has lovingly given us so much. For the Christian, He has saved you, He has placed you in relationship with Him, He has not forsaken you, He has empowered you to handle whatever you face by depending on Him. Remind yourself of all the times God has personally showed up in your life and in the lives of those around you. He has never left you and He has never stopped working on your behalf. Instead of having a critical and ungrateful spirit which will rob you from so much, choose to respond as His Word instructs us to.
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.” Philippians 4:6 NLT
Instead of wasting time obsessively thinking, venting to your friends, or trying to control or figure out things in your own wisdom, decide to pray to God about EVERYTHING. Upset with God’s timing? Tell Him. I think you’ll find yourself giving Him thanks later though because no one’s timing is better than the all knowing God who knows what is best for you and cares enough to produce holiness in you as you wait. Frustrated that you long for marriage and you are still single? Tell Him. I think you’ll find that God is the only one who can fulfill that longing and nothing here on this earth will come close to the way God satisfies you in the relationship you were created to delight in and have with Him.
“Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he’s given you.” - John Piper
Please process what you are feeling, be honest with God, repent where needed and grieve if you need to but don’t stay stuck there. Like Piper says, choose to move forward and embrace where God has you. This life is not all that there is, Jesus is returning, but on this side of Heaven there is a life to be lived, not wasted. Live life like Paul instructs the Philippians, tell God what you need and give thanks for all He has done. Please don’t miss this, there is power in giving thanks, in reminding yourself that God is faithful. Instead of complaining, choose to praise. Instead of telling God what you want on your terms, submit your heart to His will and be led to live for Him.
“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33 NLT
Ask God how you should use the time and resources He’s given you for His Kingdom in this current season. Not that serving Christ is to earn a future spouse but it should be a response to His great love towards us on the cross. That friend who vented to me over coffee is herself now in a relationship and so are the two friends she mentioned, but relationship with Christ is the end goal in this life— not in the gift that He may or may not choose to bless you with. If He does bless you with marriage it will be to bring Him glory not contentment (same thing goes for your singleness). For true contentment is found in Christ, not in a relationship status, not in a job title, not in your physical appearance, not in your finances, but in Christ. If you currently desire to be married, it is totally okay to ask God in prayer for this gift because it absolutely can bring glory to God, it is a good thing, but in the days He’s given you don’t let it be your ultimate thing before your love for Christ. I believe that in every season, single or married, God is working in us to see that He is the only one that truly satisfies. He does not withhold himself, so trust in Him, rest in Him, let your longings be met in Him. He will empower us and sanctify us to walk out the life He has called us to daily if only we choose to abide in Him.
Celebrate & serve others
When we are satisfied and content in Christ, we are freed up from being self-absorbed and have more of a desire to selflessly share the love we have been given to others. I don’t know about you but some of the best times I’ve had at weddings are the times where I am not thinking about myself. There are times where I’ve actually prayed “Lord, help me to be reminded of all that I have in you, help me to be satisfied and confident in you so that I can be selfless to celebrate and serve those around me today.” Don’t be the person who sits at the wedding grumbling about how long the food is taking or if the DJ's music isn’t that great, etc. (I’ll be the first to admit, I’m guilty!). Instead, get your heart attitude in the right position, show up, and celebrate. Celebrate the beauty of marriage and how it reflects Christ and the Church, celebrate the wonderful couple committing to be selfless to one another, celebrate on the dance floor, and celebrate the people in the room by loving them as Christ commands us to—more than you love yourself.